Write something.
Vulnerability pisses me off. I like myself better when I practice it, but it’s so damn risky.
Maybe because you can’t control how you are perceived, you can only be honest. And for me, the only thing I sort of have any idea on at any given moment is how I’m feeling. Which is annoying because WHAT A NERD. It’s like the meanest, judgiest, nasty self comes out and demands that I pull it together. “I feel betrayed that someone I love really hurt me.” THAT’S LIFE, BITCH. “I’m disappointed that I was honest about my wants and needs with most folks I came in contact with at work, and wasn’t appreciated more.” IT’S A JOB TO MAKE MONEY, IT CAN’T LOVE YOU BACK. “I’m tired of giving and not receiving.” IS THIS EVEN TRUE? Because there is this flip side, this rational side, that knows—or at least, chooses to believe—that things work out how they’re meant to. (BECAUSE WHY NOT?) And maybe there are lessons to be learned.
Even now as I type, there is a loud self-judgment. I wonder if more people feel this than just me. I just don’t get it. It is the worst feeling and people swirl it around because it’s easy. Or am I simply listening for those remarks to affirm my own inner meanies?
Sometimes I’ll have to tell myself, as a freaking 29-year-old woman, if that person is an asshole then that’s on them. I am almost preemptively defensive, which is very much the opposite of vulnerability.
I like writing, but it’s scary. You’re sharing those innermost swirlings. You’re judging which ones are important enough to stick to words and then share on a platform beyond just that. There are so many drafts of things I’ve written that quite possibly might hide forever. I wonder- is that hiding yourself?
Self-judgment alert: this is becoming too carrie bradshaw
And I almost want to walk away from writing this now because I am annoyed that it is so dramatic. In my human mind, I understand that I am maybe one of the luckiest people I know, and I offer “one of the” instead of “the” because maybe we all know we’re the luckiest getting to hang out with ourselves. Not to mention, our paths that have happened specifically in a way that crafted who we are. So that’s cool.
Self-judgment alert: too bob ross
Self-judgment alert: two white people examples
When you offer up vulnerability and it isn’t met with a similar reception, it sort of feels like what we have been in that moment was wrong.
Are my own self-judgments a training for staying grumpy? Because it doesn’t matter what you’re doing with the wrong acknowledgement. I refrain from writing “attitude” on purpose.
Anyway. It’s hard writing, sharing, being yourself, and to always be pushing forward, especially after something didn’t align exactly how you imagined. Yanno- it probably actually makes life easier, ultimately, but the journey to retrain is a kick in the head.
I’ve figuratively seen a shiny object and must go on to the next thing for now. Hopefully this is received perfectly well and will never receive criticism, even the thought of it, at all. (And if it is to receive criticism, the intent is helpful, positive, productive, and constructive for a better big picture.) And they all lived happily ever after.