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I haven’t lost a parent, yet, or someone directly in my day-to-day life. I have lost pets, friends, friendships, family members, beloved mentors; lost my grandmother’s brain to Alzheimer’s, and nearly my twin brother to suicide. A neighbor that I’ve known since childhood, and semi-recently referenced for shooting his gun, passed, and I think about his wife. My mom was left alone after a divorce. I have three close friends who have lost dads, whom I think about. Watched some older friends lose their dads at younger ages.

Grief is a constant around us, and we can never be certain if and when someone is carrying more than they show.

I used to have a bad habit of hiding my depression—living in a private misery of sorts, while being generous with energy from an unknown source when I met folks out for coffee or lunch. Being socially exhausted performing joy while always wanting more connection in private. Not necessarily romantic, but I always felt wasted waiting in a room, as if I were ready to be out in the world living again. Life is for living after all, for connecting with others and touching this earth that we’re on; for learning and building and growing, and complementing. Am admittedly learning to maintain as I get older—I sort of always felt I’d stumble into something successfully lucrative. And I suppose I have in some ways, but I mean obnoxiously lucrative. What I’ve learned about this power is that you have more eyes on you—more at risk to lose, or to have taken. The pressure of being still and slowly building a humble coin seems to work better for my nervous system… I’ve lost the plot.

I’ve never experienced something quite so specific as grief. It certainly keeps you grounded. You can see the greys, and the breeze, and maybe darker pieces of life we so aspirationally resist in this age of advertising.

I like to think I empathetically grieve with those who have lost dear loved ones… but I’ve been fortunate to still have most of my folks. To no longer have a dependable source of love or energy or support… it does break my heart.

Making an effort to deepen relationships in my own life. That community has been life-affirming. To be a source of safety for other people makes me feel useful, and good.