Being gay was kind of like being fat. It was something I really wanted to keep secret, so I shut off the possibility that I was a sexual being at all. (How is that like being fat?) Being fat, and I’ll speak for myself, I sort of ignored that I had a body. (How?!) I hid under loose clothing, jackets when it wasn’t cold, sillies when I wasn’t feeling silly, perhaps as a way to distract, and didn’t go out when I wanted to because it was easier to stay inside and remain unseen. How could I face them seeing me when I wasn’t seeing myself? Being fat and being gay were “wrong,” where I’m from. So I continued to chew on my wounds in private.
Recently I went to a monthly event in Atlanta celebrating gay women. It is rare, especially as I become more acquainted with the introvert within, to get me to attend anything like that. When I lived in NYC and first moved to ATL, I attended a lot of pride/queer-centric/gay events with my gay guy friends, but I most definitely would not look women in the eyes. Even still I wonder if I try to float above my sexuality; or hide beneath it.
Anyway, so this recent event in Atlanta. I was very nervous. Walking into the bar, I saw A LOT of gay women. I had never experienced energy like that before. I don’t know if it is because I am more in my body and understand it’s connection to the world, or because I’m older, or am fully stepping into this reality of being, (OR BECAUSE WOMEN ARE POWERFUL,) but I nearly began trembling. Still- very little eye contact in the beginning. “Get my drink, find my friend, wait to leave.” (It’s been a long time, folks.)
I walked outside and was immediately greeted by a group of queer strangers. Very friendly. Okay, I’m easing into this. Then met another group of queer strangers. Then another. Then another. I laughed like I haven’t laughed in years. I sort of felt seen.
The tune changed when I got home and thought- so I’m not a freak? I’m just gay. Perhaps both. But we all saw each other. Like the pain we had been through in hiding or exploring something different from the norm had brought us to a similar plane of seeing. It was a great night.
Being gay isn’t about finding someone to have sex with whose energy or genitalia might reflect your own. Or maybe it is! But what it has meant to me is knowing I’m different, developing other parts of myself outside of that, finally facing and accepting this very real truth and reality, and sharing it.
We all need each other. We aren’t alone. We deserve to be seen.
(Additional note: A very incomplete piece. Deserves more.)
Peace.