It’s important to stay grounded. Maybe it’s because I’m a Taurus twin, Scorpio moon, Cancer rising; Libra mother, Leo father. Maybe it’s because I fear I view the world dangerously different, not because of longtime closeted queerness and abuse, but because I had two injuries on the same area of my head as a kid. Maybe it’s because I value people and my ability to connect with them, and there are so many different realities out here and I’d like to be respectful of each, particularly if it’s one that isn’t hurting anyone or could teach me something.
Regrettably, my game has been being good—doing my best. It’s such a noble pursuit… and I’m a little tired of it. I do not regret decisions I’ve made because I learn deeply and meaningfully. Experience has been a glorious teacher to me. There are still some I’d like to have, and I just might.
Sometimes, along this quest for goodness… I’ve found that I lost touch with myself. We are good, but sometimes we are bad—we are full people.
Simultaneously, I do think it is very important for some people to BE GOOD - men, for instance. Why? Because they’re strong and powerful, and whether we consciously acknowledge it or not, have historically been our leaders.
What I’ve learned is that some people, unfortunately, inherently, think you’re bad if you’re queer. I’ve tried for so long to pretend I wasn’t queer for overall comfort and peace—like maybe if I put our collective nervous system over my own human experience, as if I were playing God, shepherding people calmly around me as I observed from above, we could all be happy. And I find myself alone. I find myself distancing from friends and family. While I romanticize solitude in the name of an artistic pursuit, and still believe in its value, I am still human. I’m gross. I get annoyed. I very get annoying. I have flipped birds in ATL traffic.
And when you’re a queer not queering, you’re essentially non being. (Perfect logic?) (Partial joke.)
I do fear being too joyful—there, I’ve said it. Will I float away?
“You’ve already shown your capacity for pain—what if now it’s time for life to show you your capacity for joy?”
It’s a real toughie because I am always reminded of “an injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere.”
Where is the line? How do you choose?