In 2016, I sat in a bar with some friends watching the election results. It grew painful to watch at times, but at around 10:30pm, I was tired and decided to go home and go to sleep, assuming we’d do the right thing—not fully worried.
I woke up the next morning, I guess that was November 9, checked my phone, and heartbreak struck. And shock. And… confusion? I let go the night before assuming we’d do the right thing.
Then followed four years of utter ridiculousness. People were awful. Then people were awful in response to people being awful. Then we were just all awful to each other, on top of the political and structural stresses we were already facing.
It’s been a weird few years. Terrible at times. Not everything is GOOD. In fact, a hell of a lot seems plain bad. There is a war.
I struggle with what to do. Do we put in the work to nurture our own private world and call it a day? Do we share whatever resources we have to help folks? Do we remain silent so no one directs their anger at us? Do we join in on the shouting because we are angry too?
I still don’t know.
The assumption in 2016 caused a lot of pain—assuming the right thing would just happen.
We share the responsibility of making something we are proud of. We need hope, belief, and honest teamwork to get there.
I wrote earlier last year- hope isn’t quite belief. Hope works its way to belief, right? Right now, we have to invest in hope in the smallest ways we can. The desire for something good—which, yes, desire causes pain because our expectations are hit, but a committed allowance for good opens us up to recognize that there’s more of it than we initially thought. Maybe I’m projecting my own sense of loss and fear; of which I feel a responsibility to turn my own vision around and stay strong—to outsmart my own demons, fueling and feeding the dogs leading this sled in a more positive direction. Sometimes, that can feel like a lot of work when you’re so aware of all the bullshit. That work feels worthwhile though, to believe in where you are going… belief is a whole other level of magic. And I hate to use that word, magic, but sometimes, it’s the only word to describe what is possible. When you have experienced something really wonderful, you know that good things DO happen—can happen. Sometimes you just have to look for it; WORK FOR IT.
The world feels chaotic right now, which means I might be keeping up too much on my screens, or that I’m growing up. Any chance for focusing on your own peace is diminished by the awareness of inadequate action- “I could be doing more.”
I just don’t know, and I certainly do not have the balance figured out. But I am trying to share as I move through, because I don’t want folks to feel alone. Whatever moments of hope and believing in something good, and witnessing something good, might spark something for someone else that helps someone else.
Sometimes it feels like we are fighting for hope. I am okay to face that. I am with you. We must work together.