This is where I face a moral dilemma:
If I am focused on winning—on being the best—I’m inherently judging other peoples’ progress as being inferior or superior to my own. Our worth, no matter where we are on our respective journeys, is tied to how much exertion of this masculine “go get ‘em” that we’ve fooled ourselves into thinking we need for existential validation. We are no longer cherished individuals but turn into competitors.
Now, there’s another train of logic I dance betwixt (on a “betwixt” kix,) where I think- if I am going to share myself—heart, soul, mind, time, and effort—I want respect, and that seems to be earned by the level of craftsmanship & recognition to this one commits themself to. So, contradictory. I’ll work through it.
A few nights ago, a friend and I got together and wrote a 10-minute play. Because I have been on the business side of life for the last many years, quite practically I share: “It concerns me that people won’t want to come and see this.” She says, “I cannot think this way! We write what is interesting to us. I want a good story. It’ll speak to the right people if it’s meant to.” Fair response. While I knew the dialogue would be interesting, it was a conversation between two men, race not explicitly decided, but somewhat clear. A conversation that I think could speak to people, but one, based on the pure knowledge of who we were writing, may not be readily received or purposefully shared right now. Which could be harsh, but I feel that culturally, and necessarily, we are about expanding whose stories we are hearing. Maybe the exercise of our collaboration wasn’t to produce a hard-hitting success, but to continue evolving how we navigate creation as a team. No matter how it is received or whether or not we share the piece, I loved the time being spent. And I learned. Perhaps we were saying the same thing: Let us create what we want to create. (I’m obsessed with success.)
This means that in my pursuit of creation & sharing, I could bear to peel away some of the standard business-minded judgments I’ve cultivated through working in offices, which I admit, do speak to me on some level. Business can be really fun. It’s a creative collaboration towards a different product. But I think to this little piece I saw on Twitter a few days ago from Robert Greene: “It is in fact the height of selfishness to merely consume what others create and to retreat into a shell of limited goals and immediate pleasures.”
Ughfsahksjdklas discomfoooooorrrrrrrtttttttt.
So a level of responsibility to share one’s perspective and experience continues to ground. Despite the cringes I feel from my own self-righteousness, I do know that I can’t keep moving through, sensing what I sense, having people misunderstand so easily. Lizzo said “it’s selfish when you're creating it and selfless when you're putting it out." Who I am is created from necessity. How I share is where I feel I might be tripping up.
For instance, pouring all of myself into each social interaction or otherwise for the sake of presence is not sustainable. Or is it? In my selfishness, my processing of the world, I create a lot. Hundreds of projects, everywhere- songs, drawings, notes, scripts, stories, journals, paintings, sculptures, jewelry… I could probably be a better writer if I were hell-bent on being a professional writer, but I need words for me. Manipulating how I play with them for someone else’s comfort doesn’t resonate right now. So I’ll share pieces when I can, but know that it’s a rare shot I’ll stand out for my excellence in writing, unless it’s dialogue, but even then, the business of that craft is not entirely appealing to me. While it is selfless in the putting out- what if you do strike success? That is its own commitment. Regardless of the channel, I wanted to know and love who I was sharing—who I am sharing. I want to make sure what I’m sharing is pure-intentioned as it can be: a collaborative work BETWIXT the heart & mind—an offering in full.
Personally, power goes to my head. If I am to share, it must be a total act of love.
Betwixt intention and practicality, it’s taking some time. I don’t want to be a turd.
Peace.