I cannot think of that expression for the life of me. A few household items? That isn’t it. Here’s some business before we dive into the sillies, (although this one is not so silly; and shout-out to Katherine for “some business before we dive into the sillies”): I decided to take my name off the site. I’m not sure what I want to pursue in terms of career and moolah, and it seems unwise to air therapy drawings and idea-farts every corner you turn. There’s this duality of wanting to be respected and have my thoughts taken seriously, and not wanting to be taken seriously at all. There’s almost a level of commitment to yourself and your path that I’m not sure I’ve sunken into yet. The pressure to commit to one specific career at all spooks me because there is so much to do. I watched a documentary last night on Hilary Knight, the illustrator of the Eloise books. The books’ words belonged to Kay Thompson, and she did all sorts of things. But even being her would’ve had to take a level of bravery—to accept that you’re a nut and let others see and accept that, too. I’m a flavor of a nut and it isn’t necessarily easy to be once you’ve realized this, especially when you cling to the comfort of a business job. Then you have to consider- I’m not fully being myself at this business job, and do I want to go through my life keeping a lid on my excitement for it all? A feeling of “being proper.” And what exactly pushes us in that direction? And how do you pry your claws off once you have found a fine groove? The career stuff can really stress me out if I try to force myself to make a decision. Another duality of being practical and being a dreamer. One day I’d like to find a way to merge those worlds, but I’m not there yet. So this site will continue to exist for me, and for a few friends who find themselves interested. But my alter business ego will continue to exist, too. At least for now. Back to programming:
I woke up around 2am last night in an inexplicable rage. I had been dreaming that my mom and I were shouting profanities at one another. Heart racing, blood pulsing through the veins, the whole production. I thought it to be interesting because I’m not generally an angry person, and my mom and I have a pretty chill relationship. When I was a teenager that was another story… long story short, my parents divorced when I was 14 and no one knew how to deal with it. But it’s fine and we’ve all healed a lot since then.
Now, I have woken up before, around the same time, from a neighbor who was experiencing his own verbalized inner dialogue of a heated argument saying the same sorts of things we were saying to each other in the dream, so I do wonder if perhaps I heard him last night and was inspired to wake up and separate. I can’t know for sure. But I was saying things in this dream that I have never said to another human, and my mom was too… and you know, I enjoy exploring my own psyche, and dreams do fill us in on some interesting hidden feelings we must consider. I consider it all.
So, anger. Rage. It’s a frightening thing. Of course I’ve experienced it a few times in my life. Anger—that’s something I experience when I feel there’s been an injustice. I guess that’s what all people who experience anger feel—that they’ve been slighted or treated unfairly. As I grow older I’ve noticed that some anger doesn’t serve too much of a purpose, and if anything, makes shit worse. Circling back to previous idea-farts, I suspect anger is misplaced fear or pain. And as a freaking sensitive sally, sometimes it’s just easier to respond with- man, that hurt. Let people know they hurt you instead of being pissed at them for living their lives.
And then rage. An impassioned anger. It makes me mad that people even get that mad. Practically, I think- can’t we just swerve towards kindness a lil bit? EVEN JUST A LIL BIT? But I’ve been thinking about this recently- we can’t control other people, so folks will go on being angry if that’s what pattern they’ve chosen to understand. Addendum: Anger can be a necessary tool in communicating that change is necessary.
Back to the dream. Maybe there is some anger bubbling inside of me that I haven’t been facing. And on the flip side, (devil’s advocate here,) could anger be perceived as a glimmer of hope that people care about something? Maybe there is a time and a place, and we can’t always fully control or prepare for that.
I get angry when someone is an asshole unnecessarily, and I do wonder if this is because I have been an asshole unnecessarily and know that it’s just lazy behavior. But, I gotta be honest, as I get older I do wonder if there is more and more to be angry about.
I’ve seen how those people who have chosen to step up have impacted my life. I could complain about all the bullshit I see all day long and let that eat me alive, and go live in a cave and never trust anyone and let myself wither in my own pain that I keep recycling because, straight up, it’s out there if you pay attention. Here’s an easy example- the fact that Trump was even elected is a big ol’ punch in the gut to humankind.
Or, I can choose to understand that that’s not the only thing. That bullshit exists, but so does so much good stuff. Meaning beyond politics. We owe it to ourselves to focus on the possibility of good, and to work towards that. One bad egg doesn’t spoil the whole bunch. Is that an expression? I’m bad at expressions.
At the ends of our lives, I’d imagine we look back and wish we had done a little better at certain points. All I’m trying to do is catch them as I go. It’s not a self-righteous thing because I am not totally certain that this level of self-control, -reflection, and -observation is healthy. And you know- maybe it’s a simple fear of messing up because we are always being recorded. But I think about these damn quotes- “be the change you wish to see” and “when you know better, you do better.”
PS- listen to yourself when you’re angry. Stand up for yourself. Try Golden-Rule-ing it in your approach.
