It isn’t easy for me to write while I’m not in a great mood. Not that there aren’t words… maybe there aren’t. When I journaled as a youngin’ I’d write my biggest feelings, and when I went back and read what I had written, I’d get embarrassed for being so dramatic. I do that now but in other ways, probably.
Rationally, I know that we are human and have feelings and should allow ourselves to feel those. Why is it so hard when they aren’t the sexy ones? Usually because they are so fleeting, so to attach any permanence to them feels dangerous. Feels like I’m assigning myself a characteristic, instead of just being in a mood, or processing.
Right now, in this exact moment- not feeling much, actually. Pretty calm. Pretty peaceful. I was about to add something along the lines of “it’s when I zoom out and consider the big picture that I begin criticizing myself and what I SHOULD and COULD be doing, which spirals.” BUT. When I zoom out and consider the big picture, we have no idea what’s to come besides that we die eventually so why can't I just enjoy THIS moment, right here, right now? There isn’t really any should and could, because that’s all dumb ego shit. (But you want to build something meaningful.)
How do you balance it all? Creating your future, using your past as a guide, and paying attention to your now. It’s all basic stuff, I understand that. But for some reason I am having a time. Maybe it’s all this non-distracting going on while we are quarantined. I AM BEING FACED WITH THIS MOMENT, AHHHH. And why this obsession with self-growth? What does it matter? (It’s my destiny!)
Anyway, I wanted to write while I was/am in a mood because sometimes I think I have a hard time opening up with the not-so-positive feelings, and I appreciate a challenge. Vulnerability. (Apparently this season’s theme song.)
It is hard to push through fears and insecurities. Sometimes I think I’m completely delusional and nuts and am wasting my own time trying to be kind or have a good attitude. Because having a good attitude IS hard work. Seriously, I become exhausted with all of the thinking and rationalizing that comes with making yourself believe that it all works out. And trusting that any cruelties or mishaps or traumas you encounter are here to inform your journey and make you better. Gratitude, growth, blah blah blah. But it just gets hard, and sometimes you do consider giving up because as more and more people give up it becomes even more difficult to lift your own self up and keep her there. People be out here judging and comparing because of their own insecurities, and that’s fiiiiine. But when you hit a low moment, it’s hard not to care.
(Awareness of all the people who have been left behind is heart-wrenching as well. What about them?)
And then you “mess up.” You react to something or let someone see a not-so-sexy-feeling. And you know rationally that you reacted to something because you’re still misunderstanding your own fears and insecurities, or you stood up for yourself which feels incorrect because that’s how unused to it you are, but the damage is done. So how do you forgive yourself in those moments and beyond, especially if there is a permanence attached because the character you interacted with turned out not to be a safe place? How do you learn to forgive others when they show you theirs? Let people know that it’s okay to feel. Work together to understand. And not punish yourself or them for going there.
Y’all, it just be hard sometimes.
But I believe, in the depths of my being, that it’s a better way to live. So we push through this bullshit. One moment at a time.
And now is a new moment.
PS- food for thought… if you feel big positive feelings, is it inevitable that you feel the negative ones too? Maybe it is better to go on unfeeling. How does one make honest art with no feeling? How does an artist survive in this world? How do you share yourself, your heart, and your art, while also taking care of yourself?
Okay, lalalalalala. Hope everyone is taking care of themselves. And whoever else needs you.