Meditations by Marcus Aurelius keeps falling on my foot. It stays out with many dog-eared pages because sometimes a simple grounded thought goes a long way. I’ve been meditating off and on during quarantine, working towards making it a regular practice. So I meditate. A 15-minute guided meditation for self-love. And the sobs begin. And it felt good.
In this self-love meditation, the guide says to release all judgments of yourself. Easier said than done. Last night I hung out with my buddies, Lauren and Rachel, and opened up in words about how small I had been feeling. You must have friends you allow to see you. When I got home I thought about how dogs don’t judge themselves if they don’t catch a ball, and how cats knock water off counters and are like- you’re welcome. Maybe they have something figured out.
So why are we doing it?
My friend, Katherine, texts me yesterday and says “how do you react to jealousy? Co-Star tells me to ask.” (Which is an astrology app.) I respond as honestly as I can and decide I need to explore it more.
Comparison. And it’s usually a physical comparison. It’s when I spiral in patterns of “I am overweight which is wrong.” That’s when I hide. Hiding ain’t living. I don’t need to be hiding from myself. That just ain’t it.
The truth is, I’m learning to love myself as is, sans judgment. But as I do move closer to committing to myself, I know there is work to be done: physical appearance and peace with it. “Love is saying yes to what is.” I’ve done a lot of work on the inside that is my own.
We are worthy.