It’s nearing 5pm on a Tuesday - I heard yesterday that this is when the SNL team is gearing up for a big writing night. It’s funny that my friend, Lauren, credits Tuesdays as being the best day of the week. My favorite? I do love a Monday…
You should know that I’ve made a lot of mistakes, both professional and personal. As I share my insights, they’re only that. I believe in my intentions to foster positive growth into the arts and world, and I believe in my appetite for learning and community. A lot of life continues to happen while we figure it all out - learning as you go.
I’ve turned to work as a vice; a professional busyness. It’s better than some other vices I can think of, but, it’s still a vice - an unhealthy obsession. My tension now relies on the divide between wanting to grow and achieve and BE SUCCESSFUL, and properly surviving, AND maintaining no burned bridges in relationship of any kind. As with a vice, it fills grey space - it’s always lingering. I miss being a kid and tending to my own energy, or, having the capacity to escape the weight of what it means to survive as a person in our modern world. Ultimately, your success is dependent upon you - your decisions, your actions, your reactions or lack thereof; how you navigate the larger game of life. Sometimes, I want a quiet and private career that I can gently nurture with just enough to appreciate the little things: I want to make my own lavender syrup, and roast pecans, plant a garden… Sometimes, I want a badge of honor that I can easily toss in front of people so that they know that I’m a hard worker. I’ll tell ya- when I chase the latter, I am only anxious and get caught in riptides. If I focus on the former… I don’t know how to do that, and I fear it. There is a vulnerability unlike any other in promoting oneself as a free agent—I have turned to a lot of that work as personal passion projects and activities for health, but there’s a small hope that something will take off, which lingers as its own character as well.
More later…