GOOD MORNING!
I woke up with a certain zest for life today. This is what a clear calendar can do for you. Some simmering ideas for stories and scripts came up - how do I write them?! And each time I think “I would channel my best Meryl Streep energy not existing on social media,” I remember that I am not a fine actress from New Jersey with such superfluous means. @ansleyusername lives on for now; a username that was voted on from a small number of options before I deleted my followers—I’m sorry, you babies! The reason I feel compelled to keep these channels open is because I do love sharing little quips, clips, and illustrations. One needs a channel to channel.
If you find yourself here- Thank You. Curiosity was your engine, yes? Need to make your stay interesting: Rosemary and Fuchsia, two sensory elements that awoke something in me at a young age. I reflect back to the smell and taste of buttery rosemary being cooked to pair with chicken at my friend, Laurel’s, home. The brightening sensation of feeling my soul expand beyond my body container when witnessing fuchsia being made in an afterschool art program as a kid. What else impacts us quite so intimately upon a first introduction? Would argue: certain friendships, in different ways. A place of travel, a movie, a song, lore surrounding an institution promoting achievement. More specifically? I remember seeing my longtime best friend, Greg, across the theatre at camp the summer before we met at Fiddler on the Roof Jr rehearsals, where our locking in almost felt divinely orchestrated. I remember seeing my friend, Katherine, audition as a young kid for a musical some of the older kids were already cast in, and we got to choose who joined us - she is divinely gifted, then and now. I remember seeing my friend, Lauren, in improv class on the first day and thinking “she reminds me of my beloved Italian professora,” and being perplexed at our first few one-on-ones as she redirected our conversation to observational note-taking and sparks for larger ideas. I remember meeting a woman with an unconventional name at an Italian restaurant I worked at my first year out of high school, and intuitively, without manufacture or manipulation, was hit with “I’d love to be with someone like that!” (I wonder where she is today.)
When I worked at the Alliance Theatre, this wonderful capacity to deeply focus on one’s work became available - I was introduced to the power of being devoted to one’s own mission as it aligns with a larger collective; because I learned from those around me. The joy that develops from the presence of care and consideration is what gives me hope for humanity.
So anyway, we are impacted by each other and small, unexpected moments. Why do I share this? I’m finding my way back. It has dawned on me, a few times recently, that I’m living the life I sought out: relatively calm(ing) nervous system, freelance/creative work, small and mighty social circle, and I’m out of the closet so barriers for feeling hidden have lowered. (Hilariously, I am now uninterested in seeking romance in the form of another - we must romance ourselves, first.) I’m not living in NYC, where I imagined I’d homebase at. I’m not thin, which I imagined being necessary to portray chicness. I don’t rely on large, colored-frames on my face to see out of, which I also imagined would contribute to declared artistic success. But I am genuinely close with my family, immediate and extended, which I didn’t realize I needed. I am spending more time in nature, which largely contributes to the peaceful nervous system. My bills are getting paid and I’m not having to spend 40+ hours/week at a stagnant, seated location. Am I happy? Happiness is an emotion like any other. I know that I still have work to do. What else will I encounter in this life that activates something within me?
PS- instead of spending copious dollars on restaurant food delivery, study and make for yourself. I’ve essentially saved one-hundred dollars this week making my own salmon ricotta toast (with pickled red onions, salt, pepper, cucumbers, greens, cilantro, and lemon juice.) Feels important to share… brag.
Arrivederci!