A “flickering life force.” What I have to remind myself that we have access to listen to. Mine has been blocked. I’m taking the steps to unblock, but I am moving slowly due to fear. I’m also enjoying this time of moving slowly. Perhaps my calling could be simply to Live, but we’re not necessarily set up in a way that this is achievable. Humans aren’t just here for survival, we’ve made it so. You can’t not play the game. So the question: how do you want to make your money? Oy. What if I only needed less?
Occasionally, something cool happens where I get booked for two petsitting gigs that bump up against each other in timing and location. I love it. Finish with this week-long gig, then wrap up 3 minutes over for the weekend. The, I suppose, Administrative Nerd in me does a little dance. Speaking of Administrative Nerd, I have some personal business to attend to this weekend. Please, self, hold the self accountable!
I think my issue right now is that my words are more dramatic than my actions. Is it an act of defiance against a culture moving too quickly? I stand by that it is moving too quickly. We aren’t listening to nature, and we’re building more than we can get rid of, and I just don’t like it. My Simply Living is an act of defiance. Some overachievers bubble to mind, and I embrace their disregard.
Do I delete Instagram? It’s kind of nice to have.
Our task is to figure out what we want, yes? What if this were it? I am happy with THIS. I am not happy with That.
It’s funny - I took a dog on a walk this morning, in the neighborhood that I share a name with, and the houses are stunning. The streets are wide and flowy, and there are very few traffic signs and little street paint - everything is pressure-washed. Meanwhile, I am greeted with 1-3 unhoused folk and the stench of newly-aged urine when I arrive to my office job downtown. Petsitting, I keep a calm nervous system, receive succinct yet kind messages, sometimes am treated with a stocked kitchen. Working downtown… we were not in the office the last two days because of asbestos/a construction project, (truly not complaining.) When I AM in the office, there is nowhere to turn inward. The world I’ve crafted so carefully is dismantled each visit; perhaps similarly with each home I’m in with petsitting. In some ways, it’s nice to participate in a larger moving force. In some ways, my ego matters not because there’s work to do. Perhaps the words grow to drama because the feeling wasn’t attended to originally. Our feelings are communicating. If folks in power aren’t listening to theirs, or exist in a land beyond them, I’m afraid our only safe space is art. (Apologies for projection of anxieties here.)
I find myself still resenting a few certain folks, both of whom I love and do not. Am working on refocusing my energy towards the steps in front of me, instead of how I project or expect them to behave.
A great gift from my sis-in-law
